Healing the Mother Wound

A few days back was Daughter's Day ... and I saw this wonderful poem by Sujata Gupta ... the last lines of which translated into ... If you can, be wings for your daughter.

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As I read these lines, I could not help but reflect on the "Mother Wound" - A phenomenon wherein, even if a mother is physically present, she may not be emotionally attuned and available.

One of the biggest tragedies of our social structures has been the legacy of the Mother Wound - from mothers to daughters. The mother wound is the pain, wounding, and trauma that’s carried by a mother and inherited by her children, with daughters facing the brunt of this wound.

Many mothers weren’t provided with the resources or support needed to process their own traumas in their lives and that plays a role in how they interact with and raise their children and lives on as a "wound".

How your mother treats herself and her body, how she views herself internally, what she teaches you to value or view negatively, traumatic events she experienced, the harmful beliefs she was taught, the dysfunctional coping mechanisms she became dependent on in reaction to those traumas, etc. all impact us as the children. Because mothers are oftentimes the most influential individuals in our lives and we are very dependent on them during formative years, we tend to internalize many of these beliefs and take on the unhealthy coping mechanisms as well.

Thanks to psychologist Mary Ainsworth and her attachment theory, we know that the trust that a mother instills in childhood positively affects not only the child’s present, but also their future relationships. Meaning, a child who acquires the mother wound is most likely to perpetuate this type of relationship with their own children.

In patriarchal societies, it may be easier for mothers to pass on their own mother wound to their daughters. Women who have internalized stereotypical beliefs that relegate women to second-class citizens are more likely to consciously or unconsciously transmit these beliefs to their daughters. Daughters in these societies may find themselves caught in a double-edged dilemma: Accept what Mom believes in so that we’re in the same boat and she keeps on loving me, or fight for my own beliefs and aim for empowerment.

It’s no easy feat to take up the fight.

A daughter who chooses to do so may find herself sabotaging their own success. More recent studies have shown similar stereotypical responses that hold women back from self-actualization and keep that mother wound festering.

In our work with women leaders, we see a lot of this surfacing repeatedly - through the repeated narratives guilt, shame, diminishing self for others and holding themselves accountable to "impossible standards" ...

This Durga Puja as we celebrate the Mother Goddess and her love for her children, let us also take a pledge to honour our daughters and take a conscious step to not pass on inadvertently, ancient, self-sabotaging beliefs to our daughters.